I have something to prove
written by Allan on November 17, 2008
I have something to prove. Everyday I let someone down. I live on a battlefield of getting my work done, being there for my family and having a few minutes everyday to exercise. There is never enough time; I seem to always be neglecting one thing or another.
It tears me apart not giving my family enough of me. I let Steve down by not getting more work done. This is a hard way to make a living. A lot the time this isn't fun. Why can't I be happy putting in 40 hours a week and ending work at 5pm. Why do I run towards this mystical pipe dream? Why do I push more and more each day? Why? Because I know our small company is on the verge of something special. We're so close. Our apps are constantly getting better. We're slowly gaining traction and each month people are paying for our work.
I can't imagine doing anything easy, I never chose the easy path. I have a thirst for inspiration. I strive to exceed expectation. And I have something to prove.
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Allan loves his family more than breathing. He lives in Panama City, Florida & grew up washing cars at his family's car washes. Oh and Allan hasn't worn underwear since 2004.
6 Comments
Sounds a lot like brave heart. i pictured you on a horse wearing blue make up wearing a kilt and holding a big sword. inspiration…yes.
@eric d,
Yeah, you really hit that on the head. I don’t know why he likes to wear blue eye shadow. And honestly, his kilt is much more like a school girls plaid skirt. I really don’t want to tell you about his sword…gross.
I thought that when my kids got older that I’d have more time for me (work, exercise, …). I actually have less time now for me now that my kids are teenagers, though I have no idea where my time goes each day. There’s always so much that I want to do (get done) but never enough time to finish it all. I’ve found that if I put my family first I can sleep better at night.
I’ve got this constant nagging paranoid vision of some programmer miles away that’s working on the same kind of project as myself. It’s not something I like, but it makes everything feel like a race or competition… the problem is, with as many rails consulting companies as there are, it’s kinda the reality. If you’re not good, if you don’t take care of your customers, and if you’re not constantly racing to improve your product, then some nerd somewhere is going to take over.
I don’t know what exactly I feel like I need to prove… maybe it’s that I’m so disconnected from the rest of the Rails & overall programming community that I need to prove that I can still hack it. I’ve been to Rubyconf, WWDC, and misc. Radio/media conferences, and I always feel out of place. I know my programming is good, my ideas are solid, but I feel like an akward outcast around all of you.
Dunno. Anyway, that’s what motivates me.
@bryan,
Connect with me at the next conference and we’ll hang out. I’ll introduce you around a bit. I want no one in our ruby community to feel like that. I want every one to feel welcome and welcoming. I’ll be at FOWA in Feb. Acts as conf in Feb. and RailsConf in May. Let’s hook up, bro.
steve
See and I thought I was the only one. I wouldn’t ask for it any other way and if you gave me less work to do, I would go find more work elsewhere and be in the same boat.
This was a breath of air for me today. I have been feeling really behind, really disappointing to everyone because I’m only able to give snippets of ME here and there and when I try to settle on one place to give more, I always let down all the other areas.
Being a wife which includes keeping up the house (cleaning, laundry, dinner, etc.), being a mommy which makes unpredictable and full days and trying to fit 40+ hours of work in per week…. and why do I continue to feel like a failure at everything? haha. thanks Allan, I feel a little better now.