Create Love, not Fear
written by Allan on March 31, 2008
I was a hell of a kid, not a bad kid, but it seemed I was always doing really dumb things. When I was 10 my Dad told me something that really stuck. He said "You can obey me out of fear or out of love but you're going to obey me". Rarely does 10 year-old boy remember anything let alone something that makes them think. I've always thought about this and observed people in authoritative positions to me.
Love and Fear are two totally different paths, but a successful leader must follow one of these paths.
I played college football and had many coaches through the years. Most of the coaches I had didn't have a path and weren't successful. The coaches that got the best result out of me were the ones I loved. I obeyed the feared ones just enough to not make them mad. But I would have put my head through a brick wall for the ones I loved. The coaches I loved weren't overly nice or even close to easy on us. But they made you feel like you could be better around them. They made you feel, with them, you were a better football player. They gave to you, pushed you, encouraged you to be something more. It's an amazing feeling to feel like someone brings the best out of you. My wife and business partner do this for me; I love them both.
Being in-charge is weird for me. Having employees and having children is uncharted territory so I look for others to show me things. My family owns car washes; the employees aren't used to having an employer care about them. My Dad has had employees quit and come back, some have worked for him since I was a child. He wants his employees to love him and they do. They don't fear losing their job and they yearn to make my Dad happy.
Love isn't created by being easy on a person. It's not from being their buddy. It's not about overpaying them and letting them walk all over you. It's created by being real with them, caring about them, gaining their respect and making them hemorrhage with passion. Like @garyvee says, give (unselfish) love and have it come back 10x in return…this is how love is created.
Allan loves his family more than breathing. He lives in Panama City, Florida & grew up washing cars at his family's car washes. Oh and Allan hasn't worn underwear since 2004.
5 Comments
It’s interesting that many people think that the marine corps is the model for leading by fear. Having been in the marines my experience was just the opposite (with the exception of boot camp). I completely agree with you that you must…
“be real with [your staff], care about [your staff], gain their respect”… if you do all of those things they will hemorrhage with passion
The marines did all of these very well. In fact, for those leaders who did not do them well they were weeded out of the service. For me the thing that left the biggest impression over the years is the importance of gaining their respect. Without this your staff will never be passionate about what you are trying to accomplish. I’ve found the best way to do that is to show them that you are capable and willing to do everything that you ask them to do for you… even if that means getting out of your comfort zone every once and a while.
This is a great post.
People should learn that leading isn’t about frightening people or being the “never-disagreeing” buddy.
@Dennis, I apologize if I offended you with my image. I was referring to the character in the movie Full Metal Jacket not that particular branch of service.
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